I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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