I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Please, let me fuck your mom
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
