if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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