im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
