I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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