I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
