I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize