Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
