oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
