I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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