I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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