All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
