ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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