If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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