Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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