He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
