so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
