You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
