i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
