I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
