Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
