I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
