please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize