I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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