I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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