I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
