She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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