seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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