I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
