One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize