I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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