Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
