I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize