i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize