4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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