When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
