Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
