He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
