Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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