How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
