I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
