I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
