he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
