the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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