do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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