I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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