I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
