mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
