the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
