Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
