I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
