i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
