I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
