I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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