Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
