What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
