saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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